Hello, Goodbye

It seems like I just came to the Association, and now I'm leaving. I've spent three short years there, but the place grew on me like kudzu--it's beautiful, but it's invasive.

I gave a bigger chunk of my life to the Association than I was expecting to. I gained experience, grew frustrated, lost my mind, gave up my weekends--but I worked with some of the best people I've ever known. Leaving was necessary, but it was painful.

It's funny how you often don't know what people think of you until you leave a place and they think they won't see you anymore. I always felt I was the fortunate one to get to know and work with these people, but I was surprised by their generous goodbye. Two of my favorite comments (and I'm blushing to repeat them, but I must write them down so I never forget):

"You were a breath of fresh air this place really needed."

"I can't believe the one positive person around here is leaving."

I'm not sure what it is about me that felt fresh, but I loved hearing that. And as for positive, well, I've been anything but positive lately, or I wouldn't have considered leaving. I've been weighed down, and I've felt burdened. And I'm not one to suffer in silence, so often I've moaned to my staff about The Man and The Association Establishment and the Idiotic Things They Do. I felt that I was dragging them down and that it would be my leaving that would give them the fresh air they needed. It never once occurred to me that I might have brought a draft when I came in.

Leaving is beyond a doubt what I need to do--for my sanity, my family, and my waistline. But I didn't want to have to do it. I wanted to want to stay there forever. But maybe when I shut the door behind me this afternoon, a fresh breeze wafted in that will invigorate the ones I left behind.

Little Town on the Beltway--Town Meeting Edition

I firmly believe that the answer to my midlife crisis is to get involved in my world in more diverse ways. Right now I'm all work or all mom, with little room for crossover or in between. So this year I decided to participate in a couple of small-town activities.

For those of you who don't know, I live in a small town of about 135 people in Suburban Maryland. We're 18 miles and at least an entire generation away from DC. Tuesday night was the uncontested election of two town commission members. It's hard to get anyone to run at all, so I suppose a hotly contested race is a bit much to ask, but it might have spurred my memory to show up and vote. According to the chair of the town commission, we had a pretty good turnout of 18 voters to vote for two people who probably had to have guns held to their heads to get them to run just to replace themselves.

The next night was the annual town meeting. I lasted through the first hour because we were dealing with matters of particular interest to me: the proposed bypass that should rescue our adorable, historic town from the choke of heavy traffic and the two derelict houses next to mine.

I'm torn on this last one. I'm heartsick for the middle-aged loner who didn't have fire insurance and can afford neither building up nor tearing down his properties. (Nevertheless, I can't shake the haunting comparison between this guy and the middle-aged loner killer in The Lovely Bones.) But I'm amazed that there could be two houses that make my house look good in comparison. I should be glad, but really I'm tired of the hazard next door. I'm concerned that either house might look like a great place for teenagers to hang out smoking pot and accidentally starting another fire or going through the floorboards as they explore in the dark on a dare. I want these things torn down, built up, sold to someone who cares, sealed up from teenagers, whatever. I don't care. Maybe I just want to erase the image of the day the one house burned down two years ago--I've always been simultaneously drawn to and repelled by hellish forces of nature. Whatever my motivation, I'm ready to move on. I'm sorry for the loner, but I want my neighborhood back.

And what a neighborhood! At 45 (next Friday), I'm one of the younger adults in town. I've lived here more than 10 years and am still a newcomer. I don't go to the town's Methodist church apart from Christmas Eve, so many of my fellow small-town citizens don't really know who I am. I'm a middle-aged mom. I guess I fade into the background.

But this year our state delegate recognized me (albeit I had spoken up during the meeting, giving geographic clues), so that was one small step for suburban momkind. In any meeting of this kind, I think it's customary for one citizen to hog up the majority of the time set aside for these meetings, either through comments they think are funny, questions that are irrelevant to anything anyone's talking about and certainly not on the agenda, or demands for action! They want action! You want action? Move to a big town. It's not happening here.

Nevertheless, it's sort of nice knowing that there's still a place so close to arguably the world's most powerful city that still gets obsessed over finding money to repair gravel roads and fix up the old school house where Miss Anna and Miss Flo went to school.

And speaking of Miss Anna, she finally lost her husband of more than 67 years. He wasn't sick for long, but at 89 I think his passing can't have been unexpected. So we all gathered at the Methodist church to say goodbye, the overflow crowd watching the service from a Web cam in the parish hall. I listened to the well-meaning but misguided language of bigotry in a eulogy that claimed the deceased was such a great guy because he loved Jesus. I guess everyone else can go to hell. Oh, wait a minute....

Then we all crossed the street to watch the American Legion lower the flag at the town hall. There was an awkward moment when the string holding the flag broke, and all the poor WWII vets had to maintain their salutes while their hapless octogenarian Legion buddies tried to fix it in an operation that seemed to take forever. The reception to wish the dearly departed was held at a cozy inn we could all walk to, and we ate white bread sandwiches and talked about how much the town has changed--when it really hasn't.

I'm not sure why I'm celebrating all this. It's infuriating sometimes but beautiful. It's democracy in action and family and friends writ large. I should get more involved. Maybe in another 10 years, when they think I've been here long enough, I can run for the town commission and pore over proposals for a new propane heater for the town hall. It sounds kind of nice, really. So long as I can run unopposed.

Pick My New Career!

Maybe it's a midlife crisis, or maybe I'm just having a crisis of confidence, but I'm just not the editor I used to be. Quite frankly, I don't even think I'm the writer I used to be, and I always thought I could count on that.

So I need a change. But what can I do? Honestly, nothing. I have a bachelor's degree in English. I'm lucky to be able to afford groceries. So what does an executive editor/director of news and information (yes, that's my unwieldy title) with more than 20 years' experience in publishing do when midlife hits and the same old same old is just...old?

You can be part of the solution! Send in your ideas of a new career for me (more schooling not a good idea at this point), and you will get in return--my undying gratitude! Does it get any better than that? I don't think so.

Funeral for a Friend

I can't in all fairness claim the honor of being a friend to the woman whose funeral I attended Saturday. I wish I'd had the honor. I knew her from a couple of places--the church where my daughter occasionally attends youth group activities and the stable where our daughters ride. I barely knew her but wish I'd made the time to make the effort now that she's gone.

Not that she needed my friendship. She had a fabulous network of friends, family, and coworkers to keep her occupied. Whenever I saw her, she was generally with her jolly hulk of a husband, silent in his shadow yet not overshadowed. She had a beautiful smile and an outgoing personality. Together, they were radiant. Add her 14-year-old daughter, and they were the perfect nuclear family, miraculous and happy despite inevitable blemishes.

She was struck with a brain aneurysm just before Christmas and went into a coma Christmas Eve. Her family mercifully decided to remove her from life support a few days later. Her exit was very sudden in the grand scheme of things, and this naturally gives me pause. She was about my age, with an adoring husband and beautiful daughter. Sound familiar?

I lost both parents with less than a month's notification, so I'm no stranger to this sort of thing. Nevertheless, her passing shook me profoundly. It could have been me. It could have been my husband. It could have been my best friend or my wonderful, stressed-out neighbor across the street. Life is so valuable yet so fragile. I can't control it, so I have to close my eyes, hold on, and enjoy it.

Her funeral did, however, make me decide a few shallow things for myself:

1. At my funeral, please show pictures of me like they did at my friend's. Only PLEASE Photoshop them so I look thin. My friend always looked great, but I couldn't help thinking there were probably pictures up on the screen that she wouldn't have approved of. Women are just like that.

2. Please show up for my funeral! For hers, they practically lined up outside in the cold to pay their respects, but I'm afraid that if they threw a funeral for me, no one would come. (Someone I mentioned this to suggested that my obituary should mention that doughnuts will be served. That should help.)

3. If you're my friend and you decide to speak, please don't tell any drunk stories. Anyone who doesn't already know them doesn't need to know. And whatever you do, please don't mention He Who Shall Not Be Named. I'm not sure restraining orders are valid after someone's death, but I don't want to find out the hard way.

4. I have some music I want played, and I'm pretty firm on this. The Lachrymosa from Mozart's Requiem would be cool and creepy, but hey, I'm realistic. I would for you to play "Find the River" by REM because they always play that for dead friends. I'm not their friend, but they played it for my old pal John Seawright, who, coincidentally, died of a brain aneurysm when he was my age. And I absolutely INSIST that at the end of the service, before the doughnuts are served, everyone join in a rousing sing-along of Monty Python's "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life." This is not negotiable.

5. I want to be a diamond.

Don't It Make His Brown Eyes Blue

I wanted to come up with something upbeat to write because it seems as though all my entries are total downers, but it's been--frankly--a shitty week. The worst seems over, and what I'm left with now is some residual sorrow for those around me I've had to watch suffering. My biggest concern now, because it's the only situation I have any control over, is Gavin the Diabetic Dog.

Our lovely black lab mix Gavin was diagnosed in May with diabetes. The diagnosis came as something of a relief because I'm of the school of thinking that finds it comforting to imagine the worst possible outcomes and then be pleasantly surprised. Not sure that's working for me in the long run, but it's what I know. At any rate, the family and I have been carefully attending Gavin, faithfully giving him insulin shots twice a day, watching what he eats, trying to get him consistent exercise (we could do better on that one)--but we've yet to get his blood sugar where it should be. We're close, but we're just not there yet.

He seemed happy enough at first because he finally had some energy from the insulin. He's old and shaky, but I could still get him to run up and down the hill with me a little bit so he could feel the wind on his face.

Then about a week or so ago, we realized that he is now almost totally blind. We knew he had cataracts and that his sight was going, but we thought we had more time to get his blood sugar in check and head off the cataracts at the pass. But now he's having trouble negotiating his once-familiar surroundings, and he's timid on his beloved hill in our back yard.

Nevertheless, since that discovery I've noticed that he's already made some major adjustments. I've watched him sniff my footsteps to find the food bowl I've just filled; he's learned his way around the kitchen as long as we completely open or close doors and leave everything in the same place all the time. He's learning his way down the stairs, which are difficult for all of us, even in good times and good lighting. He comes to us for love when he hears us call him, and he still wags his tail when he hears his name and rises to stand at the ready when we say the magic word "outside."

I've been handling these changes rather stoically, until today. In my office is a birthday card my staff gave me with a picture of a black lab who looks just like Gavin. The difference? The dog on the card has brown eyes. So did Gavvy, of course, only now those cataracts give his doggy eyes a smoky blue appearance. And I nearly choked up right here at the office because I realized I miss those brown eyes.

Try Not to Breathe

I'm trying to enjoy our victory yesterday. And I do mean our. If you're too stupid to realize Obama's win is the best possible outcome for this world, that doesn't mean you won't reap the benefits. You will--oh, you will.

I want to leap and shout with all those beautiful young people whose enthusiasm and dedication to their belief in a better world helped to bring that world about. We've said they're selfish and lazy and don't care about politics or participating in real--versus virtual--communities, but we were wrong, dead wrong.

That a descendant of slave owners would one day be giving the ole rebel yell in honor of the United States--that's right, the Union--electing its first black president would surely have been far from the wildest imaginings of those very slave owners. And it makes me yowl even louder inside to think about it.

But there are a couple of storm clouds hovering over this Inaugural Parade route in my head. The first is the fact that I'm holding my breath hoping that the worst, the unthinkable, the unutterable, will not happen. I'm enough of a cynic to know that it could. And superstitious enough not to say it aloud.

The other little cloud is the vineyard where the sour grapes of wrath are stored. For example, one co-worker was so distraught at the prospect of a President Obama that she didn't sleep last night. She showed up at work wearing black and looking like something that was dragged for miles by a pickup truck in Texas, sighing and shaking her head all day as though we were facing the Apocalypse. I suppose I should feel sorry for her in her ignorance and fear--she's actually terrified that she'll lose her job and her house, perhaps through the nefarious plans of our president-elect to give them to, let's say, a crack ho. She called the Democrats in the office "comrades." She said she was going to wear black every day for the next four years. (Sounds like my college wardrobe.) Then--the unforgivable, the unconscionable--she said to a friend, a Jew, that she hoped that friend would "visit her in the concentration camp."

I'm going to try to give this alarmist drama queen a break. But her hot, foul breath, mingling with the fetid expirations of all those who think like her, is causing a miasma that threatens to choke me. So I'll try not to breathe.

Opera in the Outfield

Last Saturday night I witnesed marketing genius. The Washington National Opera sponsored a live simulcast (I think that's redundant) of the opening night of "La Traviata" at Nationals Park, and Jeff and I joined approximately 15,000 other Washingtonians to enjoy the music and hot dogs. What better way to get people like me--although preferably younger--who've never been to an opera to sit for three hours and listen to sopranos than to broadcast it in a unsnobby atmosphere where they can wear shorts and eat Ben's Chili Bowl?

I had my doubts about opera, although I love classical music without knowing much about it. What I know about opera I can pretty much attribute to Bugs Bunny. (You must have seen the immortal 12-minute rendition of Wagner's entire "Ring Cycle." Much better than the original.) Having sung alto in the church choir my entire childhood, I have no love of sopranos. I think recitatives are silly and boring. Most tenors leave me cold. (I guess I prefer low-pitched noises in general.) Nevertheless, I was enthralled. The HDTV bigger than my house certainly helped to make the event watchable, but I even loved the music. I did occasionally want to laugh because the facial expressions on someone singing a high note at a tragic moment are priceless, but I appealed to my better nature and kept my amusement to myself.

I must admit that I can't recall the names of any of the performers off the top of my head. I mean, come on. But the soprano singing the part of Violetta was pretty and hardly screechy at all, and I adored the baritone who sang the part of Alfredo's father. It helped that I already knew the story, but I still was moved to tears at the ending, corny as it may seem to a modern audience. How could I not be when facing the grand spectacle, the music and emotions, the lyricism and athleticism of the performances? It's safe to say that this was the first time that I have ever cried in a major league sports venue.

The Washington Post, in their typical crabby fashion of the last few years, found the performance only "adequate." I'm glad at times like this that I don't know enough about music to know when something lovely just isn't right. I'm glad I couldn't hear, as Jeff did, that the soprano was flat and the tenor sharp--or was it the other way round? I was just thrilled to be there, sucking down chili dogs to Verdi, and watching little children frolic on the bright green grass of the outfield in time to the music. Maybe these kids will never acquire the fear of and misconceptions about opera and the arts in general that so many Americans labor under. Perhaps they'll adore Mozart and shrug off Puccini the way I love the Beatles but snicker just a bit at Queen. And if the arts at the ballpark go completely over their heads, there's always Ben's Chili Bowl.